I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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