he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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