I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
