I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
