i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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