and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
