The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
