I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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