My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
