i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
