You made me cry and you don't even care
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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