you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
