I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
