As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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