I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
