Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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