if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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