I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
