a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
