just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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