does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he was CRYING into my vagina
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
