I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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