hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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