I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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