Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
