he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
