Pants 0. Shit 1.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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