My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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