I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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