true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
