lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize