I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
