I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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