Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
