ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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