Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
