I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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