Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
