I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She's the barista slut.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
