So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
