you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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