made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We are two peas in an std pod
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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