when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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