I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.