You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
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He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
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These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.