i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
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I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
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She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.