Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
