Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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