I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
