Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
