Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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