OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
