Just fell off a train. Bad.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
