I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
handjob tips. give me some.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
